Friday, February 29, 2008

The Uni Guide: Part 2

Let's continue about the nerds...

The Morbidly Obese Nerds: These guys are your typical nerds, with the exception that they take up two seats instead of one, and smell like a... something that smells like a garbage bin or something. Especially in this weather, they generate such a potent flavour that I'm surprised they don't use the mixture in horse tranquilizers. I kid of course, fat people are okay in my books (considering that it's like 49% of Australia, I better not aggravate everyone.... yet).

Tom Boy Nerds: Girls who dress like boys. I first got this feeling when I was watching a Michael Jackson film clip, little did I know that MJ was guy at the time. Anyway these girls have serious gender issues, they really can't tell if they have boobs or just really pectoral muscles - that sag. Anyway these guys scare me, and I try to avoid them at any cost.

Hope you're keeping up to date with this information.
Random German Food: Braughtworst!

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Return of the Mole

Today was my second day of university, and I realised again how much I hate the majority of people in my class. As much as I hate to label people, here it is:

The Guide To Students in My Class
This isn't to say I'm not a nerd, just that I try to hide it and for the most part am highly successful. No, you don't need to point out the irony of me having a blog... Anywho:

Day 1:

I Meant To Do Communication Design: This goes mainly for the girls, though a few - a rare few, in our class, but for some reason I believe we have a sign that says "You must be this unattractive to enter this course." And believe me, they fill the requirements. However, there are some lookers and it just makes you think that half their brain got shunted into their lady lumps, and they accidently selected the wrong course.

I Just Leveled My Conversation Skills by Talking to You: These are the guys who decide life is better lived in front of a computer, so much so that they decided to create their own language filled with pointless acronyms and non-sensical words. We could only wish that they'd leave that sort of language for their e-boyfriends. However, wishes are only granted in fairy tales, so we are stuck with people shouting "LOL" or "BRB"

Random Arch nemesis: The Mole Man Alex!

Monday, February 25, 2008


Wow so I've stopped being funny for a while.

Sorry the last few weeks have been kind of rough. I tell you long distance relationships are hard, and if me and Steph weren't absolutely head over heels in love with each other. We would definitely have not stayed together for as long as we have. So yeah, the last couple of weeks have been emotionally rough on both of us.

In other news, I just haven't had enough ammunition to tear someone a new asshole. Sure I could go on about my douchebag of a brother, or some random guy who looked at me on the subway. BUT WHERE IS THE MEAT! I want to chomp down on some juicy hate filled T-Bone steak!

Lastly, sorta out of the whole subject matter of this blog but I've almost finished my werewolf story yipee. I'm actually submitting that into a competition, so that's rather exciting.

Random lecturer: Kavoos

P.S. Speaking of Kavoos he has one bad ass comb over! Go you good thing!
P.P.S. Both this and my last blog were posted at 11:46pm... freaky huh. THERE IS A GHOST BEHIND YOU! Aww you missed it.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

What is love?

Alright,if anyone knows exactly how this thing called "love" works please tell me now, because I for one have decided I'm completely hopeless when it comes to this matter. Today I was upset, angry, at Steph, and to my knowledge she was feeling the same way. So I decided I'd give her a gobful and called her on my mobile. Talk about you're ultimate plan backfiring, as soon as she said 'hello' I was disarmed like an adult taking away a childs slingshot.

People are so different over say the internet, then they are in real life. It's so much easier to get upset, for one. That's what I've got to realise, I'm not the same person you talk to on MSN. I'm actually better in real life, stronger in real life.

Things have been difficult over the past couple of days tonight. Though like the song suggests, I see clearly now the rain is gone. Although I still have to get used to the fact that Steph does love me, and that I make her happy. It's hard for me, but I think I'm getting better at believing it.

Random Lie: "We get sea milk from sea cows!"

What a cutie!

Dave talking about the television show Numbers:

Dubsy says:
it's like "omg a crime has happened"
"the answer is this incredibly long and arduous algorithm "
"I don't understand"
"-insert simile-"
"Oh you're right"
*catches bad guy*
"Yay numbers"

Whee, microblog.
Random plot from Numbers: Two hookers get plastic surgery to look like twins (maybe to increase sales?), one ends up dead. Dun dun duunnn

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Gotta Love Publicity

Mistakes can be forgiven, can they not?

Gotta love it when my boyfriend runs away from every little thing... without a chance for explanations. Then those feelings stay with him for the whole day. Yay, emotions.

Many movie plots arise around misunderstandings or important information being dismissed. But eventually the truth gets out and there's he happy ending. I wish life were like a movie sometimes. In life these misunderstandings are often not noted until its too late, until people have moved on to a point where it wouldn't fill that hole in which time has degraded. From my experience such epiphanies always happen after a long period of time. Since I'm still so young and have matured a lot over the past few years I now see things differently, I see them from an outsider's perspective and think, I really wish I had done things differently. But hey, that's life. I'm a different person now, so why dwell on those past mistakes. Perhaps its good to analyse them though, to know exactly what went wrong and why; to learn from them. Occasionally I look back and realise how happy I was before certain things happened, and I really really miss those people for that sole reason. I am a person capable of forgiving people. Unfortunately Dave doesn't understand this and thinks its jeopardising our relationship. What's wrong with rekindling old relationships? This isn't our current kafuffle though. Do I really know what's right and what's wrong? D:

I'm pretty sure none of that made sense..or if I've quite covered the points I wanted to discuss, sorry.
Trying to make up with Dave at the moment. Failing miserably.

Random character in Dave's story: Steph- the girl who he kills >;o

More Story

Got to love it when your girlfriend blocks you so she can play computer games. Anyway here is more story:

It took fifteen minutes of ducking and weaving through the hectic city traffic until I reached my apartment. It wasn’t big, or even average in size, but it sure was cosy – well, that’s what the real estate agent said. I made my way inside and stumbled into bed. I like to sleep; it’s my second favourite activity after eating. I’d make a good sloth.


The hair on our back stood up, our shoulders were hunched, and our teeth were barred. A woman stood in front of us, she was trapped in a corner. She wept as tears steamed down her face, ruining her makeup. We took a step forward; the hunger began to take control. She began to pray.
“Oh god…. Oh god, oh god, help me”
That voice, I knew that voice, though it couldn’t be, it just couldn’t be. We took another step forward. Now we were close enough to see and I was right, it was Stephanie.
“Run Steph, get out of here now!” I tried to yell but nothing came out. We took another step forward. “Stop it! Stop it NOW!” I screamed, again to no avail. I turned to run, but something pulled me back and forced me to watch; the hunger had control.


My eyes sprung open as I gasped for breath. My hand was stretched out searching for something; something unreachable. The nightmare was back. A cold sweat swept down my spine as a lone tear rolled gently down my cheek. It left a wet emotional stain on my pillow as it fell.
“Stephanie” I whispered her name. If only I could turn back time. I’m stronger now, I could have stopped myself.
“DAMMIT!” Tears now running freely down my face, I picked up the pillow and hurtled it across the room. It hit the far wall and exploded in a shower of feathers. She was my everything. Now she was nothing more than horrible memory, one that I wish I could lock away in the dark corners of my mind.

I spent the next half an hour in the shower, hoping to wash away all the dirt, grime, and painful memories. Meat Loaf was right when he sung two out of three ain’t bad. Towelling myself off, I took a quick glance at the clock, six o’clock, just about time for the monster to return, just about time for me to plead him not too.

The minutes rushed by silently as I sat there waiting for my horrid fate to throw me into the corporate box in my head. From there I could only watch helplessly as a violent horror show unfolded in front of my eyes. Suddenly it hit without warning, it always does, like someone crept up behind me and punching my kidneys. I fell to the ground holding my stomach, trying to breathe but hardly succeeding. The pain was excruciating. Through it all my senses became heightened, I could taste the air as it drifted in and out of my mouth, I could hear the hair – which was now growing quite rapidly from my every orifice – rustling against the carpet as I rolled around trying to ease the pain, though above all of that I could smell it, I could smell human flesh.

I flailed around on the ground waiting, praying, for the pain to diminish. It must of took only seconds but felt like an eternity. Then as suddenly as it started, it stopped. I was no longer the man I was an hour ago, I wasn’t in control anymore. The wolf was and, more so, he was hungry.

My former self pressed his nose against the ground. He looked to pick up just the right scent to begin his hunt and I was forced to watch. Seconds later he was off, running down the street at speeds unthinkable to man, or even the average wolf; he was something else entirely. Sticking to the back alleys as to avoid detection, he was a professional in his craft. I, on the other hand, was given a time out to sit in the corner and thought about what I’ve done. I’d let the monster out of its cage and tonight someone would pay the ultimate price. It seemed only fair that I spent the time twiddling my thumbs.

His pace slowed, his sprint turned into a prowl, we must have been close to his target. He prowled in silence, melding to the shadows. The moon looked on but the alley was dark and it couldn’t see; nobody could. It wasn’t long before his target came into sight. A woman, young and beautiful, stood under the street lamp talking obnoxiously on her phone. Her red hair contrasted perfectly with her blue phone, which shone the same colour as her eyes under the moon light glow.
“Not her”
He seemed to understand me. Unwilling he turned away, he hates it when I deny him of a meal. Though I couldn’t do it she was too young and still had too much to give. It’s times like these I feel like I’m a hero.

Random Food I've Cooked Lately: Peanut Butter Balls

Friday, February 15, 2008

Story Time

Wow it's been a while since I've been here. Just slipped my mind lately, been focused on other things. Anywho things have been good, with valentines yesterday. I got my sweety stephy a Michael Buble` CD, how romanticly cool eh? I thought so.

As I said it's story time, It's very Dexter-ish. That happens when I read something I like I tend to write in a similar style. So without further ado:

The smell was intoxicating, It filled our nostrils, It made us hungry and as seconds past that hunger grew. Our pupil’s dilated, our mouth dried out, our heart was racing and all the while the hunger grew. Soon it would be time to feed. Soon it would be time to sink my teeth into my unsuspecting prey and feast upon their soft tainted flesh. Then once again we would be happy. Though for now we waited, my beast and I.

Opening my eyes I found myself at my desk, looking around my eyes fell fixated upon the clock. I hoped that if I looked at it long enough it would send me into the future. Unfortunately it was no De Lorean and I spent the next five minutes in a titanic staring competition. Eventually, I blinked and left my desk carrying nothing but a briefcase and feelings of contempt. It was only mid afternoon but I needed to get out of the office, the stranglehold of a normal life gets to me some days. It’s ok though, my job is entirely redundant; I sit at my desk all day and pretend to be busy. Thank god for solitaire.

Just before the exit I was stopped by Marcus Walken, a fat cat from marketing. He was probably the guy I gave wedgies to in the fifth grade. Although by the looks of things he hadn’t grown up much. He was a head shorter than me, but made up for it around the waistline, the perfect build for Chris Cringle. The black and white attire he was wearing looked as expensive as his phony grin.
“Where do you think you’re off too Jack?” He asked in his peculiar accent which made every vowel sound like it cost him a fortune to pronounce.
“Off to find my Jill, it’s been a while since we went rolling down Mt Cotton.” I retorted smiling. I didn’t like these frauds, these pseudo-humans. I mean sure they looked and acted the part but in reality they were no different from the common dog.
“Ha ha, always a joker. If you’re not careful someone might confuse that with hostility. Did you get that report I emailed you? I need it signed, sealed and delivered by tomorrow afternoon.”
“Aye, aye captain” I gave him a mock salute and then continued my pursuit of freedom.

I had parked my car across the street, a gleaming red Astra. I bought it two weeks ago, and haven’t looked back since. Although it may sound weird I think I’m in love with it or as close as a man can come to love with an inanimate object. Yes, I live a very dull and unfulfilled life, or at least pretend to. Fitting in with these salt-of-the-earth type people who wake up, go to work, go home, sleep and do it all again the next day. I almost feel sorry for them. If it weren’t for the fact that there were people who were far worse off in life, such as me.

I hope you enjoyed
Random Player for Reds: Chris Latham!
Love Dave

Monday, February 11, 2008

And The Winner Is...


Looks like I'm done working full time for now and I couldn't be happier, it's not that I don't like money it's just that it's not my chosen career path and therefore more like slave labour than an actual job. To be honest half the time I feel like a dung beetle in a washing machine....

Now talking about obscure references, I just finished reading 'Dearly Devoted Dexter' it's the second book in the Dexter series, and the hit t.v. show is based on it. Let me tell you, this book is an awesome read. Jeff Lindsay is a genius he makes more obscure references than me, even comparing one guy to Ming the Merciless (Flash Gordon anyone?). I found myself having a guilty chuckle every now and again. I say a guilty chuckle because really the scene in which you find yourself laughing is not one from a sit-com.

Anyway if your a fan of the series you'll love the books, and vice versa. Both were a good experience.

Till some unforeseen time in the not so distant future.
Random Game: Icewind Dale

P.S. On a personal note, Steph and I have been together for 7 months today. She is also the one who bought me two dexter books. I love her, and wish to thank her for all the good times we've had together and the many more yet to come.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

I Really Should be in Bed....

Love and Romance... well that should of gotten rid of the guys.

(Sorry, heart to heart entry, if you don't like it I will fart in your general direction.)

I really really should be in bed, last night I only got a max of four hours sleep and tonight doesn't look much better. I spent most of last night being angry and worried at the same time, if that's even possible. Steph was mad at something - I still don't know what - and was making snide comments and yeah in the end I was hurt and angry at her for saying that stuff. I am human too, you cut me I bleed. Yet at the same time I was really worried about why she was feeling so angry, and if she was ok.

I still don't know how she really feels, then again she never really opens up to me. I wish she would, I mean I want to be part of the solution and not her lightning rod of anger.

The thing of it is that we will eventually go back to normal, pretending that it never happened. That's fine, I'll be glad when it happens. This relationship is one based on adversity, and so far we've overcome some of the biggest challenges couples can face. Steph is worth it, she is worth every drip of sweat, every dollar I spend, and every tear I cry.

To stephy I love you sweety

Monday, February 04, 2008

We are so silly....

I've come to the conclusion today that if there was a christmas tree of frivolous behaviour, we would be the angel. Nay! We would be the pharaoh looking down from the sphinx to which they mounted or the president of the local Redlands book club looking at a bunch of infants, mocking them on their illiteracy.

What brings on this array daring and yet excentric similes? I hear you asking. Well a compulation of things, both interpersonal as well as external. Like the fact that some applicant has changed their preferences about twenty times and paid for the last fifteen of them. Not the most cost effective strategy to get into university but EVs right? Keep on trucking brother!

Next is this one douchebag, who like the Hinze Dam, was overflowing with douche. It was seriously leaking out of every crevice of his body. If you believe that 'nothing' exists (as opposed to everything is connected) then every space between the particles which made up this person, was leaking douche. He has incurred my wrath with due warrant.
I, being the innocent youngster, was strolling casually through the internet looking for information pertaining to Dexter
season three. When this hideous ball of douche comes out of left field and complained that Dexter was a live action version of Death Note. I can't even begin to put together a coherent argument because of the anger of anyone being so blind to the truth.

Maybe in some day in the near future will I counter-douche this guy. Though for now I need to punch up some babies to calm myself down and think logically.
Random Word of the Day: Hypocrisy